Taking a step back from life

Ever find yourself trapped in a ball that we call life? Ever wondered how you’ll ever get out of that suffocating space? Ever wished life would slow down for just one minute? Because I have.

When we find ourselves collapsing under the pressure of life it takes a toll on our physical and mental wellbeing. But remembering that we can escape that feeling and feeling that way doesn’t last forever is something to hold onto.

I’m currently writing this under the dim light of my fairy lights while sipping a a hot chocolate and listening to some acoustic music, but I’ve been thinking, a lot. I think delving into our feelings is the most comforting thing you could experience. Of course there are certain times when thinking too much results in anger, upset and embarrassment but most of the time, it’s good.

Recently I’ve come across a hurdle in my ‘life journey’ – a decision. One that, in all honesty, I never thought I’d find myself making or even having to contemplate. However, here we are.

I feel like going into detail wouldn’t be ideal. However to cut it short, I’m leaving the place I’ve called home in over 12 years. That’s more scary than I can ever put into words but nonetheless, I’m proud that I had the courage to make such a (in my opinion) life changing choice, whether to stay or not.

It’s scary to leave somewhere you would consider a second home. Everything you find familiar is suddenly gone, but like in a normal home, you’re bound to leave at some point. I guess I didn’t realise it would come so quickly though. That’s where my sadness lies.

it was hard, to say the least, but it was worth it. I feel in control of my life and the things I choose to pursue. Many tears were caught and many times I felt my heart yearn for more laughter and happiness to be spent there, but deep down I knew that wouldn’t be so. But sometimes the easiest choice isn’t always the right one. In the end, I made a decision that I know will hurt but eventually allow me to take on life a little more and push myself to chase my dreams.

Sometimes I’m able to catch myself in the act of worrying, I’m a worrier if you haven’t already gathered. I catch myself thinking two or three hours into the future and not what I’m seeing with my own eyes. However I know that I’m my most present on stage. I can take in the lights, the smells, the sounds and recognise them. I feel happy and content up there. When life hits a hard point or turn I rely on the hot lights and loud music to keep me sane, which we all need at times, if that be a hobby, friend or passion. We need that thing to drag us out of that suffocating space.

A few tips to keep you from that overwhelming space

  • Take a long walk – it’s incredible how much nature and just wondering with your thoughts and greenery can calm your mood down. Disconnect from the busy world
  • If you feel yourself slipping back into being overwhelmed focus on what you’re doing then. Tell your brain you’re doing this and only this right now. Let your mind focus
  • Forget social media for a while. Maybe distract yourself. Read, go see a friend or clean your room. Of course if you’re not used to this (like me) then start small, an hour, then two hours, and so on until you feel refreshed
  • Make lists!! This has saved me so many times. Sometimes feeling overwhelmed is just not knowing how much or how little you have to do. So sit down and write it all out.
  • Self care! I know this is a little obvious but just taking a few minutes for yourself can really help. If that means tracking your water intake or making plans to get out the house every so often. It works, trust me!

Sorry this blog post has been a little shambles. I wanted to get something out there thanks to all the lovely new followers I seem to have acquired ❤️ thank you all!! I’ll see you all next time ☺️


2018 resolutions

Happy New Year! I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and new year and are ready for another year of my ranting and obsessions! (Yeah that’s not going away sorry lads) As I have for nearly every year now I have set myself resolutions. However this year is slightly different. I want this to be the year of growth and slowing down. Taking time to appreciate every single day I have. Last year I felt as though I sped through not really looking in the other direction I also learnt some lessons the hard way and it made me grow as a person. So I want to continue that. Become a better and more independent person every day. So here are the resolutions I’ve set myself for 2018!!

Talking to a friend privately if I don’t feel 100% – not oversharing online: This is quite a big one for me as last year I was very quick to post online if I wasn’t having a great day and it led to a lot of lost friendships. It led to me learning, of course but noting good came out of it besides that. I am very fortunate to have many, many friends that love me and want to be there for me and I’ve only really recently realised this. So when I feel down my first move is to a friend I know is available and TALK to them.

To practice what I love: Last year I wasn’t the best at doing what I love, which if you think about it is quite sad. I didn’t practice the instruments I play. At the start of the year I did way less creative writing and writing songs. But if I want this to be my future I need to spend every hour I can doing said thing. So this year I’m focusing on putting time, energy and imagination into everything I love.

Be happy to be me: I’ve started to realise that I need to accept my flaws for what they are. If people don’t like me for that then what’s the point? At the end of November last year I realised that I couldn’t be bothered to wear huge amounts of makeup to school. At 7am in the morning the least I want to be doing is slapping a layer of foundation on my face. Under all the hormones and stress of school life I need to let my skin breath and have a chance at being clear. So this year I want to make being me and loving myself for that a priority.

Spend a good amount of time on homework/coursework: I’m at the age where every piece of work I produce is important and marked. If I want to get the highest grades possible i need to slow down (see there’s that phrase again) and take time with what I hand in. Before I was rushing and in my eyes not doing the best that I knew I could. My grades are good, but they could be better if I put even more time into it. I want to be proud of what I create.

Now onto the slightly less deep ones……….

Tidy room, tidy mind: My room can become a war zone. And even I’ve learnt that I work my best and am in the best mental place when my room is clean and tidy. I want to keep my room relatively clear throughout the week and then If it does get a little messy to clear it up at the end of the week.

To read 25 books: I love to read but last year I found reading becoming less of a priority. If I want to become an author and improving my writing the only real way to do this is by reading books. I’m setting myself a goal to read 25 this year. Every night, 10 minutes – maybe more. If you do the maths it comes to around two books per month so fingers crossed. I know I can do this if I put my mind to it

To listen to 20 new musicals: I again love musicals! Last year I rediscovered my love for musical theatre and listened to loads of musicals. However there are so many more I want to listen to that if I can add twenty more to my list that would be incredible! I’ve also decided to use a spare notebook I have to jot down the OBC, my favourite songs from the recording and it’s status on Broadway!!! I really hope this increases my knowledge of Broadway and actors as well!!

Well there we go! They’re my resolutions for the year ahead! What are your goals for 2018? Do you think you’ll achieve them? Let me know! And until next time ttyl x

My first time (theatre edition) 🎭

Hello all I hope you’re having a good day and today I bring you another theatre related post!!!

So recently I’ve stumbled along a performer/youtuber called Katherine Steele. She makes theatre related videos and honestly they’re incredible! She is so friendly and interesting to listen to! I can proudly call myself part of the Theatre Thursday Fam!! A while ago Katherine made a video where she made a tag for theatre kids to talk about their first times!! I thought it would be a great idea for a blog post as I have some quite……..interesting first times so here we are!! I hope you enjoy and I’ll leave a link to Katherine’s channel as I genuinely believe you should all look her up and she deserves so much more love than she’s already getting!

First musical you saw?: This is tough as I’ve been going to see musicals ever since I could talk so to remember the exact first one would be impossible. As a young child I did go and see a lot of pantomimes which for those of you who don’t know they’re fairytale stories put into a musical that is interactive. So some shows would get audience members up on stage, some would throw sweets out to the audience etc, the main fairytale that seemed to kept getting done was Cinderella. HOWEVER the first proper musical I remember going to see was Wicked in London for my 13th birthday which was insane!!

First musical you performed in?: As far as my memory goes it was Wizard of OZ and I was in the ensemble, for anyone wondering. I think I was 4 or 5 so my memory is kinda hazy except what’s been recorded!

First Broadway crush?: Okay this is a hard question because I’m rubbish with remembering actors names BUT there is an actor called Zachariah Sterner who is currently starring in a production of spring awakening and I’m not gonna lie I do have my eye on him (;

Like can we just talk about that beauty???

First lead role?: Ahaha oh wow don’t I have a story for you!! Let me just set the scene, it’s the first week back at my community theatre/ stage school after auditions and they’re assigning parts for our up coming musical, hairspray!! Hairspray is one of my favourite musicals of all time so I was super excited but I didn’t expect to get anything more than ensemble. Then they get to who’s going to play Sweaweed, the BLACK, MALE , AMERICAN. Just pointing that out…..and due to a lack of older boys guess who ended up playing someone the complete opposite to her………. it was a great part but something I’d never normally play. But honestly I’m a custom to getting males due to not many males at my community theatre. And the worst part is I’m a Soprano and in my opinion look pretty feminine, I’ll never know why I kept getting male roles

First dream role?: In all honesty I think it was between Christina from Be More Chill and Elphaba from Wicked but they’re definitely on my list of characters I’d love to play

First play you saw?: I actually have never seen a play live but I’ll be going to see War Horse (a.k.a my first play) on my birthday and I’m super excite!!!!

First play you performed in?: Again I’ve never done a full production of a play. I’ve done extracts from different plays but I’m currently working on the Crucible at school!! So there’s your answer!!

First Broadway show you saw?: Well, living in the UK that’s kinda impossible unless I’m willing to give up my life savings (I am but probably shouldn’t) however I have seen the Lion King on the west end which is our equivalent to Broadway. But if I did get the chance to see a show on Broadway I’d love to see Newsies, Dear Evan Hansen, Hamilton or Waitress as I love all 4 of these musicals, they’re seriously incredible!!

First stage kiss?: at the age of 14 surprisingly I’ve never had one….. I think I’d be great at them though getting that romantic tension and all (what am I talking about…??)

First moment you realised you loved performing?: I’m going to give you two times (hope I’m not bending the rules too much) the first time must have been when I first joined my stage school at age 3, I’d always look forward to classes and even though I was so young I would put all my energy into everything. The second time was when I found Katherine’s channel. I felt like theatre before I came across her content was painted in black and white but the moment she started talking about theatre I instantly fell back in love with it all so thank you for that

First school musical: Minus the nativity plays I did when I was 4-11 it would have to be Little Shop of Horrors when I was 12/13 For those curious I was in the ensemble and I LOVED it!!

First non school musical?: This would to be when I did We Will Rock You for my performing arts exam!! I was a Gaga girl and get this…. bob the builder…..(there were too many people who wanted to take part in the exam and there’s a scene where loads of famous characters come into a hotel so we had voldermort and of course Bob the builder) also I got a distinction in the exam!!!

First summer show?: Ahhhh I do love the summer shows I do!! Constantly sweating and out of breath (:!! Well this would be the Addams family!! I loved doing this as again it is a very underrated show and I love the music from it!! To carry on my male acting career I played fester and yes I did have to wear a bald cap.

First crush on a cast member?: As far as I’m aware his name was Joe and literally all the girls in the show wanted to be his, he was hot okay but we don’t talk about what happened….. he definitely didn’t think we were all creepy and leave as soon as the production had finished

First major onstage mistakes?: Ah, this still haunts me to this day! I was playing Bagheera in the Jungle Book but also a tiger in one of the dancing numbers. So as the show goes I had my huge scene and then straight after (2 minute gap to be exact) I was back onstage in a different outfit AND different makeup. So to do this in time I had to run off in the black out to stage right. But in the midst of it all I ran off stage LEFT!! I was stood there wondering why my dresser hadn’t come round when it hit me I was in the wrong side. When I got there I knew I’d be late on, which I was and came running on in the middle of the dance. Admittedly I was only about 8 BUT STILL!! So now I make sure I know exactly where I need to head off!!

So that’s all the questions!! I hope you enjoyed this because I certainly enjoyed writing it!! Again thank you so much Kath for making this tag and I’ll leave her channel below!!

Katherine’s channel

Here’s the questions if you fancy answering them !!!!

Will this always be my dream? 

I remember back when I was about 6 my teacher asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I’m pretty sure I said something along the lines of “mother” or “doctor” I can’t remember. When I hit the age of 11 my answer changed. This time it was a performer, someone onstage. Someone who sang their heart out, learnt all the lines they had to and danced till they could dance no more. When I turned 13 it changed again, a singer/songwriter and last year it was a author. But now, right this moment I would exchange anything to be cast in a west end or Broadway show. How did those feelings change you might ask? To tell you the truth I don’t know either. To be completely honest I’ve always wanted to be up on a stage giving it 110% but if that’s always possible is another question. If my life will turn that way, another question. I’m jealous of my friends who have the talent I feel like I’ll never be able to have and the opportunities they get. However my heart does a little flutter everytime something truly incredible comes my way. What I’ll be doing in 10, 20 or even 30 years time remains and still is a mystery to me. 

At the moment I’m working my butt off to write, write songs, books and of course, blog posts. You can’t achieve anything unless you put the work in. But finding time again is hard and that spark of passion I get from these things feels more like an ache. 

It’s got me thinking though. Do our end dreams change over time? Not the small ones like “it’s my dream to meet [insert name]” or “it’s my dream to travel the world” but the dreams that will make us cry after they’ve happened. The dreams that keep us passionate. The dreams that give us our personality and happiness, those dreams. Letting a dream go is like saying goodbye to a child going to university, it doesn’t feel right but it also feels more right than anything else in the world. I’d say let it go, see what happens. It might come running back 5 years later to give you a big hug, it might never be seen again, but a dream isn’t worth keeping if it’s getting to hard to look after and is giving you heart ache not heart warmth. But again don’t give yup on dreams if they are tough, what’s a dream worth having if there’s no suffering? 

Here is a list of a few of my dreams, big and small 

  • Seeing a Broadway show in NY 
  • Being cast in a professional show/musical 
  • To release an album or EP 
  • To write a book 
  • To get the highest grades I can in A levels and GCSEs 
  • To grow this blog to 500 followers 
  • To attend as many concerts and book signings as I can 

So there we go. Have you got dreams? Are they worth suffering for? Have they changed over the years? Let me know in the comments (: 


I want you to think for a second, to you what makes a friendship healthy and strong? Is it love? Passion? Memories? Loyalty? Well let me ask you this. Did the phrase “being there for me” or “someone who cares” pop into your head? My guess is it probably did, or it has. Today I want to talk about the pressure of being a good friend. In some friendships it might not be there at all which, is great! But it sometimes is. Now. Hold up, I’m not going to start rambling on about some girl called Katie who feels pressured into drinking. 1, this is not a learning for life lesson and 2, I don’t mean that sort of pressure. I’m talking about the pressure to be a good friend in a time of need. I’m talking about the unknown force that is telling you you aren’t helping said person when they most need you because your head is already so full you can’t hold anymore worry. 

I’m not going to lie I’m quite a custom to a friend feeling down. We live in a time where everything is whacked out and is way more stressful/hard to deal with than we as humans are able to deal with. I can add even myself to the list of people who find it hard to cope at times, along with my name is the rest of the universe. Even the happiest person ever has felt low, it’s fine, it’s normal. But again with the time we live in we have 24/7 access to our friends lives (no I’m not talking about sitting outside their house spying on them) I’m talking about social media. Everything we post, share, like, comment on can be seen by the world so it’s even easier to see your friends troubles. You’re not able to to just go home and forget you’re surrounded with this constant buzz. It’s worse, it’s worse it really is. I hope you’re still following but when I get an anxious friend sending me a dm or see a tweet from a sad friend I know it hurts because for me I’ve got so much going on already that trying to help them and telling the, you’re there for them is a lot harder than it looks. Once you tell them or send them that message that says “I’m here for you” you’re signing an invisible contract saying you are taking on their problems for yourself or at least it feels like it. 

I find myself so stuck in the fact that I must be there for my friends that I forget to think about how I really am. Not the “oh I’ve got maths homework due tomorrow” worry but the worry and the sadness I may still carry from other things. Recently something happened that really reminded me that mentally and emotionally I am not capable to look after every single one of my friends at one single time. It also taught me that I do have people there for me as well. I will be found. I need to talk to them when need as I am not taking what I’m giving. It’s like giving the shop your money and leaving your purchases on the till. I feel like I need to remember to take my stuff with me. I hope that made SOME logical sense. 

So we need to remember to be there for our friends of course, but most importantly we need to be there for ourselves and make sure we’re okay before anyone else. The pressure of being selfless is something that shouldn’t exist, but it does and we have to fight it. Be your own friend don’t rely on friends to make you happy, only you can truly do that and it takes time. Something I’ve learned is that I can take time for myself, it’s not selfish, it’s self care, there’s a difference. 

Why I love Dear Evan Hansen

“Dear Evan Hansen today’s going to be a good day and here’s why, because today at least you’re you and that’s enough”

God! This musical is AMAZING! If you don’t know, which I kinda hope you do as it’s a pretty important thing. There is a musical called Dear Evan Hansen. I’ve mentioned it in a few blog posts but I’m dedicating this post to it. I’m going to tell you how I started listening to it, my favourite songs from it and what each of the songs mean to me. So here we go!!! 

So the first time I heard about Dear Evan Hansen was my friend Amber. She was constantly talking about it on her Snapchat and I was interested in it. I never properly listened to it though and it wasn’t until my friend Honor played waving through a window at my theatre school. I was honestly so struck by how good it was. Powerful, the voices were incredible and just the whole song was amazing. The reason I didn’t immediately jump to listen to it when I first heard it is I thought I wouldn’t like it and it wouldn’t suit me but oh wow it’s the complete opposite. So when I got home that evening I listened to the entire soundtrack and fell IN LOVE 

For the unaware this musical is about a boy called Evan and how he deals with his social anxiety and death of his classmate Connor Murphy. It’s a little more interesting than just that and has a pretty huge plot twist which in a way is actually really amazing. So there’s just a little insight to it but again, do research or you can ask me any questions you have about it in the comments below. 

Anybody have a map: This song is the very first thing you hear in the musical and it’s such a great opening. The only way i can describe it is it’s about Connor and Evans families and how they both find it hard to fit into society and school. Evans mum is single and finds it hard to cope with a socially anxious and sad kid while Connors mum finds it hard to reach her son because he seems so distant from her. The song is about how the parents find it hard to reach Connor and Evan but the deeper you look into the song the more interesting it becomes. 

Waving through a window: This is probably the one you are most likely to have heard of as it’s the one most people are talking about. It’s a huge number though and so bone chilling. It’s about how anxious and how alone Evan feels with his anxiety and just wishes he had a friend. I feel like mo matter who you are you’ll find purpose to this song. I recently also saw a little snip from the actual show and oh wow does it look incredible. 

For Forever: this song doesn’t make that much sense unless you know the entire plot but at this point in the song Evan is around Connors families house after Connors death and his parents were lead to believe Evan and their son were great friends and they wanted to hear what he was like so they could have this happy memory to hang onto. So Evan goes on to tell this elaborate story of his friendship with Connor. It’s really moving and you really cling onto what Connorss family are trying to which is beautiful. 

Sincerely me: out of the whole musical this is the funny number. (Which funny enough I know how to play on ukulele) this is about how Jarad and Evan are trying to go along with the story that him and Connor were friends and they write these fake emails between Connor and Evan butt it’s a really funny song with a lot of chemistry but defiantly one you want to dance to. 

Requiem: This song has actually quite a sad meaning behind it. Connor wasn’t always the bestest of sons or friends and the people closest to him find it hard to forgive him for what he did to them and they find it hard to feel sad that he’s gone. I feel like I relate to this song in a really weird way but very personal. But again I feel like whoever you are you’ll find something in that song you like. It also has very lovely people signing and acting in this, 

If I could tell her: this is the first song in my opinion I hat hurts when you know the true meaning of the musical. It is a duet between Zoe (connors sister and Evans crush) and Evan. Evan starts telling Zoe all these amazing things Connor said about her. It’s actually a really beautiful and loving song and shows how someone can mean something to you. I know this is a lot of my friends favourite sings. 

Disappear: This song gets to me man. It’s got so much meaning and love. It’s about how no one should disappear and be forgotten. Everyone is important and deserves a life to live. It’s also the start of the “Connor project” which blows up in the next song. I’m pretty sure the entire cast are also in this and oh my the vocals are incredible and I bet it looks amazing on a stage. 

You will be found: This is MY favourite song for a few reasons but wow, when I first heard it I’m pretty sure I was crying after. It’s one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard. It’s about how even when you feel alone you will be found, someone will find you and you will be okay again and if you’re not you will be. This again has most of the cast in it so again it’s an incredible song. I can’t get enough of it honestly. Also the music and orchestra is unreal in this song. 

To break in a glove: To a lot of DEH fans this sing it kinda weird (including my friend) I actually like it. It’s how Evan felt and how he saw Connors family as a better family than his own. It’s also got some great music and singers It’s about how you should always do what you love and work your absolute hardest in life which is pretty cool.

Only us: so this is the love song between Zoe and Evan. It’s honestly one of the cutest songs ever and I love it with all of my heart. It’s about them both wanting to be together essentially. And how “the world falls away” but it’s one of the sweetest song and I’d do anything to hear it live. Their voices fit so well together and I’m so overwhelmed with how beautiful they both are, this again is one of my favourites. 

Good for you: This is a pretty damn good song. This song comes when Alana and Jarad get sick of Evan leaving them out, leaving them behind and how now he’s got what he wanted what do they do and as you can guess they’re really angry about this and it’s the way how their voices sound so good and you can hear the passion behind it with every word. This song by far is the one I want to get up to and sing to the most. The way it was written is beautiful and then you hav Evans interjection of him not knowning what to say and ah! It sends shivers down your back. Man it’s amazing and again I saw a small clip from it the other day and damn it’s amazing. 

Words fail: This song is again one of my favourites. It’s so beautiful and powerful and Bens voice is so so so powerful and passionate. The song is right after he’s told the Murphy family about his fabricated friendship with Connor and how he doesn’t know how to fix what he’s done and he wishes he could change it. His emotion is in another world as well and it’s one of those songs that you just wish you could sing that well. But this song brings so much meaning to the musical and you start to feel sorry for Evan. 

So big/So small: This song is basically Evans mums reaction to Evans lie. (I think) it’s again a really moving somg. She explains how she felt useless and didn’t know how to go on when Evans dad left and how she will always be there for her son no matter how big or small the world felt. Or she would be there until everything felt okay. But in my mind she’s also retrying to get over how he lied even to her, it’s such a moving song and it has a lot of meaning that overwhelms me. Rachel is such an amazing singer holy heck. 

Finale: this is the end. Even though it’s short it’s very moving and Evan realises he can be who’s he’s thought of being and being who he is is okay. This sends shivers down my back. It really does round up the musical and wants me want to go and see it even more. 

This musical is one of the best things you’ll ever hear and you should go listen to it if you havent already. You will love it. I will leave Evan Edingers video and the video on how to play sincerly me on the ukulele if that interests you and a few Instagram accounts I’ve found that are pretty good for any DEH fans out there. Let me know what you think of it if you’ve heard the musical and your favourite song. Or if you don’t like it why? Ttyl xx 

Evan Edingers video: https://youtu.be/BJHjRuHsKk8

How to play Sincerely me on the ukulele: https://youtu.be/lYovVhSzbaM

Instagram accounts you should give a follow: 

  • @good.for.hansen
  • @dear_connor
  • @dear.evan.hansen
  • @dear.evan.fansen
  • @falling.in.a.fxrest
  • @mikefaists

Also here are some photos from my great friend @good.for.hansen when they went to see DEH!! Please don’t use these photos without credit but enjoy some top quality photos from the likes of Colton Ryan and Laura Dreyfuss 

New school year resolutions 

Hello my pals (sorry it just came out) the day I’m putting this post up is the day before I go back to school. Scary I know. I’m going to start my GCSEs and I’m actually really excited. I know I will regret saying that in just under a week but for now let me live okay? But anyways with a ‘new’ school and teachers I feel like it’s time to “change”. Yes you can change any day you want to but the first day of the school year is a good place I feel like. So today I want to share with you what I’m planning to “change” about myself to make me love myself just a little more 

Close up a little: To me and maybe the rest of the world I’m quite…. lets say……..an open person. I share (what I feeel like) a little too much online and in real life. People tend to use that against me and in my opinion it also makes me look a little attention seeking. As weird as it is it also causes me a little worry at the aspect of someone knowing a little more than i wanted them to. I’ve learnt my lesson. Don’t up to people unless you fully 100% trust them. 

Do the homework as soon as you get it: If you’ve been reading this blog for a while you might know I tend to procrastinate a lot. I mean a lot. And I also seem to get a lot of stress over homework. So to decrease that I really want to try and get homework out the way asap so then I have more time to focus on my mental health and not just lay it all down to stress. On my walk back from school there’s a library I’m thinking of going into after school to 1) relax after spending 7 hours with people (99% of whom I don’t get along with) and just having some me time 2) to get homework done from that day done. Obviously there will be certain pieces that need more than a twenty minute scribble but for the majority I’ll hopefully be able to get it done without any distractions so when I do get home I can just relax, chill and not think about school until tomorrow 

To just “shrug” people off: I’m not naming anyone but I left the last school year not in the best state. There were and still are friendships that aren’t clear as water in my opinion. When I told Emma (Yes Emma Blackery) how I felt she said I need to be stubborn with people (at least I think that’s what she said) and she’s also mentioned just shrugging people off before. Not letting mean/unpleasant things get to you. And I know I can be a b*tch at times but I really just want to try and NOT let it get to me so I can focus on those who do love me and like me for me 

To ask more questions and become interested in more things: this fits into the same category to be honest. I want to become more “complex” I want to become more interested in different things. Listen to more musicals and artists, read more books from different authors, watch more youtubers etc etc. Yes I want to practice what I’m already good at but I want to add to that list with new things. Broaden my range so I seem more “interesting” and I also get more inspiration for the books I write and songs I produce. If I’m able to do that I can hopefully become a better musician and writer. But again in class I’d like to ask more whys and how’s. I’m taking history and I’m so excited to start it as I’m a real history nerd (there’s nothing wrong with it btw) and it fascinates me endlessly and if I ask more I know more right? 

Go speak up or write down if I don’t feel great: I’d like to start a dairy again. I’ve tried to keep one this summer (yes I’ve missed like nearly a week now but shhhhhh no one will know) but I would like to try and keep one so I don’t feel like I’m going to explode 24/7! At the time of writing this I’m happy, I’m content and relaxed. It’s good but I don’t think that will last once I go back and I want to save myself this year so either speaking to a wise friend or teacher or just writing how I feel down would benefit me more than it being stuck in my head I think. 

So that’s just a few! There probably are more but these are the main ones. Do you have any new school year resolutions? Do you think you’ll keep them? And if not why? Let me know in the comments!! Ttyl x


Humans are complex 

When you are a child you haven’t got to worry about much except what you’re wearing to that fancy dress party or what toy to take in the car with you. Life seems, simple in a way. Not much to it. As you slowly get older new problems are added to the mix and more responsibly. But this is what makes us complex. 

Have you ever heard people say “it’s complicated” my guess is you probably have. It’s quite a good yet annoying saying. On one side it’s annoying as hell when you want to know something but on the other it just explains the whole situation in only a few words. Sometimes in life things are way to hard to even talk about and the only way to tell someone about it is to say “it’s complicated”. 

As we get older things block our way and I’ve recently realised this. Things never have the “wrong” or “right” way anymore there’s the “possibly might be right but would hurt others” and the “sure it’s easy but it won’t get you anywheee” and many more. It’s hard to tell which way is better. Especially on there own. 

I think another aspect is that more problems happen at once. You never really have time without anything I’m your head just everything happening at once. I feel sometimes like my brain might actually explode from the amount of thoughts passing through. And I’m scared that  that brain might explode at any moment and I won’t be prepared. If you know what I mean please tell me. Do you feel a similar way? Do you think humans are all complex or are there a few who have it easy? Let me know in the comments 

I also thought I’d add some photos that I’ve acquired. Hope you like them. 

Response to over sharing online 

This post is a response to Dodie Clarks video with Hazel Hayes about oversharing online (I’m also adding on to the points made)

I get what dodie means by saying that oversharing has its good and bads. For those unaware I have an Instagram fandom account that actually has a decent amount of followers on and I’m also following over 5 thousand people so I see a lot of what people post and from what I’ve seen a lot of the people I see aren’t always in the best of places (and neither am I at times) and sadly a lot of what I see is people sharing their emotions online. It sucks but I can also see why they do it. A lot of people don’t have a fully supporting life in the ‘real’ world and online is their chance to escape. They can say pretty much whatever they are feeling and won’t be judged for it. They can also get help from friends and others if they wish. For them it’s better than keeping it locked up. I’ve been on probably both ends of this situation. The one in need of help and the one looking and reading the post. So I know how easy it can be to pick up your phone, log onto a social media site and start ranting about how you feel at your absolute lows. 

I think the reason people do do this is to feel wanted and that they have a support system if need be. And I’ve also noticed people can be very explicit in what they are feeling. With friends a lot of the time I’ll be texting/messaging them and then I’ll check their account or story and see that they’re in a complete melt down. And it’ll go through my mind “why the hell haven’t they brought this up?” This is where I agree with what Hazel was saying by it hurts to know one of your best friends is suffering in the room next to you and they went to bed fine. It’s obviously a little different but it’s the same message. I feel like a completely failed friend when that happens and like I haven’t done enough to help them. But that can also bring you down. You feel uneasy and that there is nothing you can truly do to stop them feeling that bad. It’s sucks. But I know it helps them and if they wanted my help sure,y they would ask. 

When I’ve spoken about how I’ve felt I’ve sometimes got a few people telling me they know how I feel and that what I’m feeling is okay. It does help as bad as I am at telling them. But when it’s me. In the heat of the moment I will pick up my phone and start sharing because that’s the way I’ve learnt to cope with everything. That’s how I’ve learnt to deal with what’s going on but I also know how damaging it is to me and others around and following me. I try and see myself as a honest but positive person . So sharing about what’s going on in my head is the worst of the worst. Especially in the moment. I tend to wake up the next morning and look at the messages I’ve collected from worried or anxious people and read what I wrote and think “what the hell was I going on about”. But I’ve also realised I share way too much with friends that I shouldn’t and I’m not sharing enough with the friends who can actually do something for me. 

I think I’ve really got to stop oversharing online when I’m at my worst and see how I feel in the morning before jumping into panic mode. Things do look better after you sleep they really do. So that’s my tip for you. I’ll also link dodies video if you feel like watching it. But quick message to dodie: 

Share as much as you think is healthy but helpful. Like a salad almost with salt. Enough for flavour but not too much so it becomes disgusting. I personally am okay with what you share. I do worry about you but I’ve seen you get through a lot so I  know you’ll be able to get through it and you do have a friend group that will help you. If you want to share online then do it. It does help me and so many others and I know some people can’t look at the stuff you post but again it’s up to you. Love you (: 

So what do you think about the whole situation? Do you over share online too much? Do you see others doing it? Do you think it’s healthy? Ttyl my krazies 

Dodie and Hazels video on the issue: https://youtu.be/5flD8RcsZtY

Summer in the City 2017 

Screams, lights, hugs, tears, lines, wristbands, music, photos and more. This summer I was lucky enough to go to the biggest YouTube event in the UK called Summer in the City (also known as sitc). And it was the best weekend of my life! I was debating whether or not to make this post as it is quite personal and a lot of emotion will be brought back by writing it but I know how much I like to re read my blog posts and I know this is one I can’t wait to read. But I will say this I won’t be able to post photos on here of me meeting youtubers as I’m in them and as this is a anonymous blog that won’t be happening so you just have to trust me that I met them!! Let’s get started then!!!


So on Saturday morning we got up around 7am and got ready to leave. In all honesty I didn’t eat much as I was filled with so much excitement! But with a quick car journey we jumped on the train and headed to London! It was a beautiful day and whilst in the train me and my friend Erin who I was going with listened to dear Evan Hansen (if you saw my last post you know how obsessed I am with that musical). And after getting off on the wrong side of the river we made it to the excel! 

We pretty much got our wristband for the weekend right away but ended up queuing a bit longer (about half an hour) for our wristbands for meet and greets. But pretty much as soon as we got them we were in!! We got into the main expo hall as SOON as it opened. I wish I’d taken pictures but everyone held up their wrists and there was a lot of screaming but it was incredible. When me and Erin got in we did a few laps of the place then met up with one of the many internet friends I was meeting Penny It was amazing to see her and I’m so happy I got to meet her. We caught up for a bit and then Erin and I had to run off to our first meet and greet of the day which was Dodie Clark!! 

When we got through the bag check we headed straight for dodies lane. Whilst stood in the two hour long queue waiting to meet her we meet three really lovely girls (I hope they don’t mind me mentioning their names) called Izzy, Abi and Jade. We ended up talking throughout the queue and I really hope we can meet again as they were super sweet. I went through a lot of feelings and emotions during that queue. Excitement, nerves, tears, happiness and love. But after a while it was time. 

A lot of when I met dodie was a blur as it was a long time ago but I’ll try describe it the best I can. So I walked up to her in tears and she kind of galloped towards me and gave me a huge hug. I gave her her letter and let her sign something for me and we got a lot of hugs and photos and then I told her how much I loved her and how amazing she was and that was it. I’m so happy I got to meet her. She’s a lot like she is in her videos, her voice, body and height. But she was super nice and kind and very very beautiful. I’m so lucky and happy I got to meet her. All I really remember is how I was in tears when she asked for my name and she was slightly laughing and asking if I was okay. But again it was amazing to meet her. 

Then we said goodbye to Jade, Izzy and Abi and still slightly shaking but also very happy headed over to Evans meet and greet which was underway. Because we arrived mid meet and greet (it was around half two) we weren’t waiting too long but none the less we made a friend Called Elise. She was so nice and we talked until it was our turn to meet Evan. I think looking back on it Evan was my favourite in some ways. I ran to him and gave him a hug and asked him how his day was going and gave him my letter I wrote him and then told him about my home life and how he made me feel not so alone and I broke down I won’t lie. But he said “hey hey it’s okay” and hugged me like I was his best friend and honestly it was amazing. We took a few photos together and he mentioned dear Evan Hansen but over all it was my favourite meet and greet. 

Then me, Erin and Elise met back up with Penny  and grabbed a bite to eat at costa before we had to head back over to the meet and greet area for Gary Cs meet and greet. This is where it went a little down hill though. Whilst stood in the queue waiting for Gary I dropped my phone and then the touch screen stopped working. But none the less it didn’t stop me giving him a huge hug and taking some cute photos. I also forgot to mention that we are in Gary’s new vlog which is pretty cool. It was nice chatting to Gary he was really sweet and seemed really interested in what we had to say. After that I was still shaken up about my phone and overwhelmed with nerves for the open mic so we found my friend Honor and headed back over to costa before open mic. 

On the way too open mic we saw Connie a.k.a Noodarella. I’ve been also watching Connie for around a year now so to meet her was super nice and again she’s super sweet and I look up to her a lot. We grabbed a photo and she signed my notebook and gave me a free extract from her new book. I have t read it yet but I’m sure it’s amazing!! Then open mic!!

Open mic went pretty well I didn’t mess up too much and after that we heard over to the main stage to wait for Emma’s performance. In all honesty Emma’s set came and went. It was definitely my favourite out of her and dodie though. I could jump and sing along to Emma and she had some pretty funny stories to tell as well and just such a great person so it was so nice to see her. But then Erin and I headed back on the train with her mum and spilled everything about the incredible day we had had and how excited we were for the following day. I got home and crashed as soon as I got in. I was exhausted from all the queuing and screaming but was happy. 


So on Sunday it was my mums turn to take us. We jumped in the car around 8am on the way to London. I managed to write more on Emma’s letter and read her extracts I had been given the day prior. I honestly can’t wait for her book as it looks and is very amazing and funny. I was super excited although tired for the day ahead. Once we were at the excel we left my mum and headed in to get our meet a greet wristbands. As we got there super early we didn’t have to queue for them and pretty much got in straight away. We started walking down to costa after that so we could finish letters and grab a drink because we were so early to the event. But below and behold my small northern internet friend Alex comes running up to me. I’ve been friends with said person and her best friend Lara for a year now and oh wow was it amazing to see them. They were as small as predicted but so sweet. I gave them there letters and then for the second time we headed in to the event! We spent the first 15 minutes walking around together us three (Me, Lara and Alex) as Erin went off to give someone something for a friend. Then Lara and Alex ran off to the toilet and we met up with my friend Amber (she also have a blog that I’ll link below) because we wanted to do sincerely me from dear Evan Hansen at the open mic. We met up, signed up, and practiced. But then again we had to say goodbye and me and Erin had to queue up for Luke cutforths meet up. 

Once again when we got in we queued up. This time we didn’t end up making any friends in the queue. My friend finished her letter for Luke and we both listened to Dear Evan Hansen. But we did see my friends Kelli and Hannah in the queue and even though it was brief we did say hi and exchange letters. We spent about an hour and a half In Luke’s queue and then I got to meet him! 

Luke’s hugs are one of the best things on this planet BY FAR! Ran up to him (again) in tears and he basically picked me up. He is really strong and sorry Luke ahah. Once we hugged I gave him his letter (which he started reading out loud bare in mind and my handwriting is terrible so yeah that was embarrassing) but he read it and then hugged me again due to the contents of the letter. I rambled a bit about how much he made me smile and laugh and asked him to sign my book and we took some very sweet and cute photos and selfies (I actually love them that much that I have one of them on my lockscreen and all profile photos (pretty much) after Luke me and Erin found Amber and we headed over to costa. 

We had a really nice chat and found Erin’s internet friend  and headed over to the women who write panel in the main stage. We caught the end of it but sadly I had to head off again for Emma Blackerys meet and greet. It took a lot longer that expected to get through but none the less I got through and once in the queue listened to Dear Evan Hansen ahah no surprise. Along with meeting Evan Emma was one of my favourites. In the line I realised how much she had actually helped me and showed me so yeah tears happened. When I got to Emma I was a mess and when I ran and gave her a hug I can remember her saying “I love it when people run and then hug” I feel like maybe flattened her but I was still in shock. I gave her her letter and then explained myself and why I loved her and she said that I just needed to be stubborn with people and gave me a huge hug. She signed my notebook and we got a lot of photos and then I said about writing my own stuff because of her and she said “keep writing” and I will Emma I will. But again she was super nice and kind and I really want to meet her again. 

Still shaking I went off to find the others and I was very lucky I found them when I did as when I walked over to them they were stood with Hedy, Dodies sister having a conversation. I love Hedy and her art so much she’s so kind and just like any other person. We actually had a really cool conversation with her which was really nice and took a few photos and headed off in our little group. We went over to Dodies merch line hoping to meet her but whilst in that line I caught my eye on a Lucy moon. I love Lucy so much as she’s so honest and pure and also loves history. So as you do I ran over to her, got her to sign my notebook and got a photo with her. But after that we all headed off to the open mic as Josh (dodies manger) was showing something for dodies new EP “You” (the day I’m writing this it actually has come out and it’s amazing go listen to it). But when we got there we weren’t able to perform as Josh took up our slot. BUT we were able to meet him and I got a really snazzy photo with him and he signed my book aha. 

After that we headed over to the main stage to try and get a good spot for Dodies set  and the sitc awards which were coming later in the evening. 

When we got there we got there just in time for the summer in the City awards which were funny, cute, emotional and amazing. I think my favourite part of that was Emma. This is why I feel so lucky to have met her in all honesty. She won best song of the year award and she had no idea so came on crying her eyes out which is the cutest thing ever as she so bloody deserves the award she got by far! I’m so happy she won. 

Whilst there though we listened to a Q&A that Ricky Dillon and TheGabbieShow did. It was actually pretty funny and cool. We also heard this musician called Thalia Mar perform (?) I actually really liked her so when I’m able to I’m going to look her up. Then I was able to meet up with the last internet friend Kristyn! Kristyn was one of my first internet friends so it was so amazing to meet her and she’s so beautiful!!! But then I t was time for Dodie!!!!

It was incredibly loud with screams and music. But amazing. Dodie played some of her most amazing songs including the ones on her new EP. The only down side is it wasn’t very jump around sort of music. But it was fab!!! And if you ever get to see Dodie live go!!!! At the end of “would you be so kind” her final song everyone from sitc came on and omg it was freaking amazing. Words can’t describe how surreal it was. It felt so validating in my opinion. 

And that was pretty much it. 

I’m so lucky to have been able to go and I really want to go again. Maybe next year or the year after but it is definitely something I won’t forget in a hurry. Thank you to all the people that I got to meet or meet up with. Thank you to the organisers and Tom Burns once again you’ve done a fab job and I’m so proud. See ya again soon sitc!!!

My question for you today is; do you want to go to summer in the City? If you have who did you see and did you enjoy it? Are you planning to go next year? Well ttyl my krazies!! 

KK x 

Ambers Blog: http://www.whateveritsamberblog.wordpress.com/

Thank you to all my friends as well: Amber, Honor, Erin, Alex, Lara, Penny, Jade, Elise, Izzy, Abi, Kelli, Hannah, Kristyn love you all loads!