Why is it so confusing! First your the girl who needs a guy who wears tones of makeup and wants to be popular then your the girl not wearing any make up and just getting on with life. I’m just so confused? We all know that the world doesn’t see you as an angel for not wearing makeup we all know that and that’s why we do it. Yet I literally look like a troll without a bit of foundation on! Yet I don’t want to feel like I’m coated in makeup, I’ll post a photo on social media and somehow feel awful about putting it up there. What’s wrong with me. All these quotes telling you just to love yourself but I’m not like that. Sometimes I love myself and sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I want a guy to hug and sometimes I feel like pulling there eyes out. Sometimes I feel fat and sometimes I’m happy with my figure. It doesn’t make sense. I want to be happy with myself and feel comfortable and confident in myself and be able to make all these friends I will need yet I’m the complete opposite of that. I have friends constantly asking me “are you ok?” “What was that Instagram post about?” “You need to stop being so upset!” And I know I need to be but I want to sort out my confidence and health before my friendships that may be hard to believe but it’s not. Somedays I just want to have that one person that I can pour my heart out to yet all I would get is sympathetic messages which is fine but I need someone to help me guide me comment on my appearance like I have to so many others. For someone to tell me I’m getting there and to be by my side. But I know that’s not going to happen. I’m always self conscious and will always do things to maybe make me less conscious. But what really gets to me is are people actually complementing me or just doing it for me to like them a bit more? I will never know. But what I do know is I will get better over time. I will get good skin, I will become a normal figure and I can change and improve features I don’t like about myself. But for the time being I’m stuck in a world where this isn’t fair. Why is there an image out there that all girls are silently commanded to follow. I want to be happy about and in myself yet it’s not possible. There are certain things about me that I JUST WANT TO CHANGE! And they aren’t what you think they are they are much more. They aren’t things I have grown into and are easy to change they are thugs that I was born with and can only cover up, but not get rid of. I know you see all these things saying “but that’s what makes you you!” That’s easier said than done. Yes they make me who I am but I’m not happy with that so should have the right to change that. That’s what makes me me not what I want to change……I have no idea if that just made sense. But with this image we are all given to follow that is not how life goes. It must have been so simple 100 years ago they were worrying about what’s going in their stomach and we are working about how to do a winged eye liner! I don’t want to be following the “girl guide lines” as I so originally have called them. I want to be choosing my own path not others yet I know I will be judged otherwise. I wish I could walk into school without any makeup on dress how I feel comfortable and no one judge me but that’s just not part of the guide lines. So what do I do? I want to be happy but I can’t. I want to change, yet I can’t. I want to have a good sense of health, yet I don’t know what one is. But I’m going to try. Push aside all friendships and homework (well) and focus on small changes to what I do to make me feel that tiny bit better. Then on with the big changes that I’ve wanted for so long.
I know this has been a bit of a rant and maybe not made sense but I hope you can see my point. See ya later my Krazies X