The Pros and Cons of ‘talking’

Hey all and recently a lot has happened (as noticeable from the lack posts. Sorry lads ya girl was busy!!) but something in-particular caught my attention and then spiralled me into a whole chain of thoughts and here we are, again, ranting on the internet about it…Which leads nicely into today’s topic, talking.

So my guess is everyone reading this has heard at least one person in there life say “Hey come talk to me or [insert name]” if you haven’t I don’t believe you. However I feel like what a lot of people don’t realise there can actually be good things and bad things about opening up. Maybe there isn’t to all people but to me, there is. This is probably the reason I don’t tend to speak up when I know I should.

School:

This might not be the case in every school but in mine and others I know of it sure as well is. Teachers saying that if we want to ‘cry on their shoulder’ we may. But then when we do they completely strike us down telling us we’re ‘looking for attention’ or should ‘go outside and take a breath of fresh air’ (I’m not even exaggerating there. When I actually went to go and speak to someone about how I felt I literally got told to go outside and breathe, like I’m sorry mate but I’ve just come from outside I don’t need to step out there again).

I think this actually happens more than it should. That’s sad, real sad. I think the most common misconception of today’s teens is that unless they’re clinically proven to be depressed or mentally unwell in any way they don’t feel sad. (Before you shoot me down I’m not throwing shade over people who are the point I’m trying to make is that everyone has bad days no matter they’re mental state.) People become scared to speak out due to fear of not being considered important enough to listen to or their thoughts and feelings are considered invalid against others. Which I can promise you is how I feel on pretty much every occasion I think about speaking to someone. Once schools realise that everyone should be treated as someone new and that them as teachers don’t know everything about every situation we’ll have some more progress.

Friends:

Along with the teachers saying we can talk to them I seem to hear a lot that friends are great to also talk to, which, they are. I have some great friends that are constantly there for me if I need them to . But again there are a few disadvantages that I feel come with that.

If you’ve read my blog post on ‘Pressure to be a good friend’ you might know what I mean when I say I don’t want to burden my friends with my issues. I look at some of my friends and would love to talk to them about how I feel but then I find myself worried that they have so much to deal with I’m just adding to the load! (Please tell me some of you feel the same). So then I completely scrap the idea and stay quiet. I know that most of my friends would be willing to listen to me rant but in the moment it doesn’t feel right.

Another maybe slightly more dark side of that is what if they become concerned and tell someone? I totally get that it’s the best thing to do and I’d probably do the same if I was in the same situation but it could damage trust within the friendship if someone specifically said they wanted it kept private.

There may be other points that I haven’t covered that you may feel are a factor to why people don’t speak out, if so what are they? Let me know down in the comments (:

Let me also point out this is an opinion based post, this might be the complete opposite to others feelings and judgements don’t take mine to be the bible, please x

However, it is good to speak out to friends, family or teachers if you are feeling down. It may not be easy but it can lift such a huge weight off your shoulders. I hope you’re all having a good day and are enjoying the Christmas season!!! Ttyl

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My first time (theatre edition) 🎭

Hello all I hope you’re having a good day and today I bring you another theatre related post!!!

So recently I’ve stumbled along a performer/youtuber called Katherine Steele. She makes theatre related videos and honestly they’re incredible! She is so friendly and interesting to listen to! I can proudly call myself part of the Theatre Thursday Fam!! A while ago Katherine made a video where she made a tag for theatre kids to talk about their first times!! I thought it would be a great idea for a blog post as I have some quite……..interesting first times so here we are!! I hope you enjoy and I’ll leave a link to Katherine’s channel as I genuinely believe you should all look her up and she deserves so much more love than she’s already getting!

First musical you saw?: This is tough as I’ve been going to see musicals ever since I could talk so to remember the exact first one would be impossible. As a young child I did go and see a lot of pantomimes which for those of you who don’t know they’re fairytale stories put into a musical that is interactive. So some shows would get audience members up on stage, some would throw sweets out to the audience etc, the main fairytale that seemed to kept getting done was Cinderella. HOWEVER the first proper musical I remember going to see was Wicked in London for my 13th birthday which was insane!!

First musical you performed in?: As far as my memory goes it was Wizard of OZ and I was in the ensemble, for anyone wondering. I think I was 4 or 5 so my memory is kinda hazy except what’s been recorded!

First Broadway crush?: Okay this is a hard question because I’m rubbish with remembering actors names BUT there is an actor called Zachariah Sterner who is currently starring in a production of spring awakening and I’m not gonna lie I do have my eye on him (;

Like can we just talk about that beauty???

First lead role?: Ahaha oh wow don’t I have a story for you!! Let me just set the scene, it’s the first week back at my community theatre/ stage school after auditions and they’re assigning parts for our up coming musical, hairspray!! Hairspray is one of my favourite musicals of all time so I was super excited but I didn’t expect to get anything more than ensemble. Then they get to who’s going to play Sweaweed, the BLACK, MALE , AMERICAN. Just pointing that out…..and due to a lack of older boys guess who ended up playing someone the complete opposite to her………. it was a great part but something I’d never normally play. But honestly I’m a custom to getting males due to not many males at my community theatre. And the worst part is I’m a Soprano and in my opinion look pretty feminine, I’ll never know why I kept getting male roles

First dream role?: In all honesty I think it was between Christina from Be More Chill and Elphaba from Wicked but they’re definitely on my list of characters I’d love to play

First play you saw?: I actually have never seen a play live but I’ll be going to see War Horse (a.k.a my first play) on my birthday and I’m super excite!!!!

First play you performed in?: Again I’ve never done a full production of a play. I’ve done extracts from different plays but I’m currently working on the Crucible at school!! So there’s your answer!!

First Broadway show you saw?: Well, living in the UK that’s kinda impossible unless I’m willing to give up my life savings (I am but probably shouldn’t) however I have seen the Lion King on the west end which is our equivalent to Broadway. But if I did get the chance to see a show on Broadway I’d love to see Newsies, Dear Evan Hansen, Hamilton or Waitress as I love all 4 of these musicals, they’re seriously incredible!!

First stage kiss?: at the age of 14 surprisingly I’ve never had one….. I think I’d be great at them though getting that romantic tension and all (what am I talking about…??)

First moment you realised you loved performing?: I’m going to give you two times (hope I’m not bending the rules too much) the first time must have been when I first joined my stage school at age 3, I’d always look forward to classes and even though I was so young I would put all my energy into everything. The second time was when I found Katherine’s channel. I felt like theatre before I came across her content was painted in black and white but the moment she started talking about theatre I instantly fell back in love with it all so thank you for that

First school musical: Minus the nativity plays I did when I was 4-11 it would have to be Little Shop of Horrors when I was 12/13 For those curious I was in the ensemble and I LOVED it!!

First non school musical?: This would to be when I did We Will Rock You for my performing arts exam!! I was a Gaga girl and get this…. bob the builder…..(there were too many people who wanted to take part in the exam and there’s a scene where loads of famous characters come into a hotel so we had voldermort and of course Bob the builder) also I got a distinction in the exam!!!

First summer show?: Ahhhh I do love the summer shows I do!! Constantly sweating and out of breath (:!! Well this would be the Addams family!! I loved doing this as again it is a very underrated show and I love the music from it!! To carry on my male acting career I played fester and yes I did have to wear a bald cap.

First crush on a cast member?: As far as I’m aware his name was Joe and literally all the girls in the show wanted to be his, he was hot okay but we don’t talk about what happened….. he definitely didn’t think we were all creepy and leave as soon as the production had finished

First major onstage mistakes?: Ah, this still haunts me to this day! I was playing Bagheera in the Jungle Book but also a tiger in one of the dancing numbers. So as the show goes I had my huge scene and then straight after (2 minute gap to be exact) I was back onstage in a different outfit AND different makeup. So to do this in time I had to run off in the black out to stage right. But in the midst of it all I ran off stage LEFT!! I was stood there wondering why my dresser hadn’t come round when it hit me I was in the wrong side. When I got there I knew I’d be late on, which I was and came running on in the middle of the dance. Admittedly I was only about 8 BUT STILL!! So now I make sure I know exactly where I need to head off!!

So that’s all the questions!! I hope you enjoyed this because I certainly enjoyed writing it!! Again thank you so much Kath for making this tag and I’ll leave her channel below!!

Katherine’s channel

Here’s the questions if you fancy answering them !!!!

The Dear Evan Hansen challenge 👕

Hello guys! Hope you’re all having a great week!! If not then try reading a book or going on a walk? Today I’m hitting you up with a tag (how original). I’ve been wanting to do this tag for a while now but to actually explain my reasonings behind each question. So here we go!!!! 

Also side note you might not enjoy this post if you’re not a fan of Dear Evan Hansen so feel free to come back next Tuesday for a different post (: KK 


Favourite DEH character? It would have to be between Connor Murphy and Zoe Murphy. Connor because I relate to him so deeply and I partly understand how he felt. I also feel sorry for him as I feel like he didn’t get all the recognition he deserved when he was alive. However I do love Zoe, the things she goes through and how she deals with it is something I’ll always admire. I love how that character is mapped out and the background to every relationship within the musical. She shows a passion for who her brother was and doesn’t know how to feel about him which I feel like brings more complex meaning to her role in the plot. 

Favourite DEH song?: This is tough because I love them all so so so so much. But I think the one that stands out for me is “You will be found” it has the most meaning for me and I relate to it out of all the songs probably the most. Also the first time I heard this song I was crying a river so if that doesn’t show you how much I love this musical then I don’t know what will. As well as that the blend of all voices in the soundtrack is beautiful and honestly I wish I could do something like that one day. 

Unpopular opinion? I only really know of a few but one of the ones I actually agreee with is that “To break in a glove” is actually a REALLY good song. Apparently a lot of fans of DEH don’t like that song because it’s “weird” or as my friend describes it “it goes on too long” but I really like the meaning behind that song and I love Micheal and Bens voices together as they have that unique spin on each other that I can only imagine of being able to achieve. 

Popular opinion?; I’m not sure if you’d call this a “popular” opinion but personally I love all the understudies equally as much as I do with the main cast. They all have the same (but different) talent and I feel like they’re underrated so much!! I’ve only really heard/seen Micheal Lee Brown, Garret Long and Colton Ryan perform so I can’t really give an opinion on the others but the one I have heard make the musical their own and show everyone how incredible they are. I hate that some people have literally given their tickets away because Micheal or Colton were performing and not Ben. They are just as amazing and deserve a lot more love. Lucky I know a lot of people who also love the understudies which makes me really happy. 

Opinion on Zoe Murphy?: I love Zoe. As I’ve stated above she is one of my favourite characters for many reasons and I really DO see myself in her and her actions. I think one of the things I love about the character is that she chooses to forgive Evan even if he has caused her more pain than imaginable. She does turn around and say to Evan that she will forgive him and I just think that is so beautiful. In all the drama and chaos that is erupting all around her she is the peace yet stable person in the whole thing. 

Opinion on Larry Murphy: HIGHLY UNDERRATED!!!!! I feel like Larry is very underrated. The role he plays throughout the story does bring to it. He’s the busy yet sensitive guy. I’ve heard the performance Micheal gives of Larry during words fail and you will be found are unmissable. Obviously 90% of that is down to Micheal but 10% is really down to the character itself. I fell like I’d like to hear more Larry in the musical though. But besides that I love him as a character and wish I knew more about his part. 

Would you sing requiem for Connor? If we’re talking about this from an audience point of view then Y E S! As I have already mentioned I feel like Connor never gets the true love and attention Evan is given. He just wanted a friend. The reason he took drugs is because he felt alone and he wanted a friend. He NEEDED a friend. I’ve read a theory that the reason Connor keeeps Evans letter is because that’s how he feels. Maybe all his hope was pinned on Zoe realising. Maybe he did think if he disappeared tomorrow no one would notice or care. I know he hurt his family but I genuinely believe he should have been given a chance. S yes I would have. Maybe not if I was a character and didn’t know the context but I sure as hell would have if I did. 

Least favourite character?: You are basically making me pick between breathing and water? That’s impossible!! If I have to be honest it would probably be Alana Beck though as I don’t really know her character THAT well so I can’t give an opinion on her role. I also suppose the bits of her character I do know I don’t really fully relate to so it’s hard for me to find sympathy in her part.  But that is the only reason why however I do love Kristolyn who currently plays Alana though! 

Opinion on “If I could tell her”: I actually really love this song. When I first heard it I did believe it was Connor saying those tings but obviously as I became more invested in the show I realised it was actually Evan confessing his love for Zoe which just in my opinion makes the show and their relationship 10000x more powerful and beautiful. I also am in love with the way the song sounds. I can only really put that down to the musical team but I’m still obsessed with it and it truly is a fantastic song. 10/10 

Have you seen DEH live?: Sadly no. As it is currently on Broadway which is in New York and I’m from the United Kingdom that is on the other side of the world and I don’t think my parents are willing to pay that much money JUST to go there plus the money it costs for the tickets. Yes that does mean I can’t see the OBC but hopefully when it does come to the uk I’ll be able to see it on the west end. 

Opinion on Alana Beck: As i said previously I don’t really know her character that well so it’s hard o give a full opinion on her. From the pieces I am aware of her character holds a huge meaning to the show and I love her part in the performance. 

Least favourite song?: Can you have a least favourite song?? Well if I had to pick it would be to break in a glove as for me, in my opinion it doesn’t really further the plot so I get a little bored of it at times. It’s nothing to do with the voices or actors just the way it’s put into the musical. Again I don’t know the whole background to it so maybe there’s more to why that song is included but for me it doesn’t really benefit the performance. 

Most underrated song?: For me this is probably so big/so small. When I first heard this song I didn’t really understand it and again it didn’t have that much meaning to me. But as I grew more towards the musical I learnt it’s true meaning and now every time I listen to it I am completely consumed by tears and emotion. Rachel also sings this song SO well it’s unmissable. So I feel like people need to appreciate this more than they do because it’s highly underrated. 

Most overrated song?: I don’t think there really is one that is “overrated” as it be. Possibly Dor Forever as Evan in the show has actually already started the lie and he’s just adding a huge part to it but in all honesty I dint think there is an overrated song. They all deserve equal amount of love and that is all. 

Favourite song in act 1: Maybe “waving through a window” it is an incredibly powerful song with a lot of meaning and you’d be silly to not appreciate this. Ben Platts voice in this is also insanely strong and I look up to him for that. I’ve seen a few clips of this song performed on interviews etc and wow! When you add the whole cast to the mix it makes it just completely and utterly overwhelming and you can tell that is what they’re going for and it works!! So probably WTAW. 

Favourite song in act 2: Ah this is hard! I love all the songs but “Only us” is such a beautiful song and out of context it’s just absolutely incredible. I’m in love with the piano at the start and I really think it’ll be a song I have at my wedding (if I get married as it is so powerfully magical. 

“You will be found” or “a part of me”? Ah god this is really hard as I love both so much! But You will be found has so much meaning to me and it means so much to me that I have to choose that

Opinion on Connor Murphy? I feel like Connor Murphy is a very crucial but abandoned character. The way he works into the story means he never dies but I’d love to see know mire about his past before they jump into the whole thing. Maybe a monologue or a song about how he feels as a character. 

Favourite part of act 1? Probably the scene where Connor signs Evans cast as it’s the only moment in the musical where they’re both face to face and admitting how they feel which is beautiful 

Favourite part of act 2? The orchard scene at the very end of the musical. It doesn’t give a full happy ending but it satisfies everything that has happened and leaves you feeling like everything can be okay 

Favourite Jared Klienman moment? Right, this is a question I’m going to struggle with as I haven’t actually seen the musical!! Probably when he says “there’s nothing unrealistic about the love one man feels for another” in sincerely me. It’s so iconic 

Favourite Evan and Zoe moment? When they sing only us as it’s the bit in DEG where it’s not about this whole situation it’s about them and the world and I love that 

What do you honk jareds favourite type of bath bomb is? Urm u think he’d like a good citrus scent. Like orange or lemon… and a slow fizzing one 

Favourite overall moment in the musical? I think when Evan confesses the truth that’s quite memorable. Also the emotion every single one of the actors give in that scene is incredible 

Favourite cut song? A little bit of light. It tells a little about Connors life and made me cry the first time I heard it 

Least favourite cut song? In a bedroom down the hall. As much as I love it I feel like so big/so small brings out more emotion that that does 

Favourite OBC member? Honestly I could never choose. They’re all so lovely. I’m going to say Will Roland though as he is a legend and I’d love to meet him 

Favourite understudy? Ooooooooo that’s hard!! I’m going to say Colton as he seems absolutely lovely and I bet he has amazing hugs 

Tree bros, yes or no? TES and no, I’m undecided 

What does DEH mean to you? I’m not going to ramble on as I have made a whole post about this but it has brought me friendship, more love for musical theatre, passion, smiles and made me feel less alone and I can’t imagine a life without it I hope when it comes to the uk I’ll be able to go see it 

Why I love Dear Evan Hansen: https://krazykoalasite.wordpress.com/2017/08/29/humans-are-complex/

So that about rounds it off for this post! I’ll leave the questions below if you fancy answering them! I wanted to post this now as Ben Platt left Dear Evan Hansen on Sunday and he will be missed so here’s to him and all his incredible work 💙👕🎭

Will this always be my dream? 

I remember back when I was about 6 my teacher asked me what I wanted to do with my life. I’m pretty sure I said something along the lines of “mother” or “doctor” I can’t remember. When I hit the age of 11 my answer changed. This time it was a performer, someone onstage. Someone who sang their heart out, learnt all the lines they had to and danced till they could dance no more. When I turned 13 it changed again, a singer/songwriter and last year it was a author. But now, right this moment I would exchange anything to be cast in a west end or Broadway show. How did those feelings change you might ask? To tell you the truth I don’t know either. To be completely honest I’ve always wanted to be up on a stage giving it 110% but if that’s always possible is another question. If my life will turn that way, another question. I’m jealous of my friends who have the talent I feel like I’ll never be able to have and the opportunities they get. However my heart does a little flutter everytime something truly incredible comes my way. What I’ll be doing in 10, 20 or even 30 years time remains and still is a mystery to me. 

At the moment I’m working my butt off to write, write songs, books and of course, blog posts. You can’t achieve anything unless you put the work in. But finding time again is hard and that spark of passion I get from these things feels more like an ache. 

It’s got me thinking though. Do our end dreams change over time? Not the small ones like “it’s my dream to meet [insert name]” or “it’s my dream to travel the world” but the dreams that will make us cry after they’ve happened. The dreams that keep us passionate. The dreams that give us our personality and happiness, those dreams. Letting a dream go is like saying goodbye to a child going to university, it doesn’t feel right but it also feels more right than anything else in the world. I’d say let it go, see what happens. It might come running back 5 years later to give you a big hug, it might never be seen again, but a dream isn’t worth keeping if it’s getting to hard to look after and is giving you heart ache not heart warmth. But again don’t give yup on dreams if they are tough, what’s a dream worth having if there’s no suffering? 

Here is a list of a few of my dreams, big and small 

  • Seeing a Broadway show in NY 
  • Being cast in a professional show/musical 
  • To release an album or EP 
  • To write a book 
  • To get the highest grades I can in A levels and GCSEs 
  • To grow this blog to 500 followers 
  • To attend as many concerts and book signings as I can 

So there we go. Have you got dreams? Are they worth suffering for? Have they changed over the years? Let me know in the comments (: 

Emma Blackery – The musician who makes YouTube videos 

Hello everyone. Today I’m wanting to bring your attention to someone I’ve looked up to for nearly a whole year. Someone who has never failed to put a smile on my sad face, someone who has, well changed my life, for the better may I add. Her name is Emma, Emma Blackery (I kinda hoped you knew that as it is in the title of this post). Emma for me is like the sister I never truly had. She’s someone who can instantly brighten your day JUST from a video, song or even tweet. Those people are very hard to find and to find them is a miracle. Anyways enough with the rambling I want to explain to you why I love this fantastic person so much. 

Also please note that I was lucky enough to meet Emma and I did write a semi personal letter to her but there is so much I want to add to that and say to her if I had another opportunity to so this is 50% of why I wrote this……. 


So I’m going to start right back at the beginning when I first “found” Emma. It was late 2016 (October I’m pretty sure) and I was sat in my friends car driving home after spending the day together. She turned to me and said “Have you heard of Emma Blackery?” Of course not having a clue I said “Not really why” “oh just because she’s really funny and I’d think you’d like her music” And that’s where it started. I got home that evening, logged onto YouTube and put her name into the search bar. What came next I wasn’t prepared for. I was met with this gorgeous, honest and quite funny girl smiling at me talking about how someone had stolen her video. Id be lying if I said I didn’t fall in love with her and her personality straight away. That night I spent binge watching Emma’s entire channel hooked on what she had to say. Completely mesmerised by her honestly and maturity. In that one night I think I gained more knowledge than I would in an entire year at school. I then moved onto her music, and my God, my friend was not wrong when she said I’d like her music (well maybe slightly as I love it). Emma’s style in music for me is something completely and utterly unique. She has a talent I can only dream of having. So that’s how I came to find Emma, and man let me tell you how happy I am that I clicked that subscribe button almost a year ago

There are two times I distinctly remember that Emma helped me in one way or another. The first being to do with friends. I had recently told one of my “best friends” that I didn’t like the way our friendship was going. But I felt TERRIBLE after. I was going to give up to an extent, just give up. But I sat there, on my bed. Telling myself just to maybe watch one of Emma’s videos. “You never know it could cheer you up” I told myself. So I did. But the video I found….didn’t cheer me up but made me feel okay again. It was the “5 things you should hear video” and to anyone who’s watched that knows what I mean when I say it was just what I needed. I needed someone to tell me that what had happened wasn’t my fault. I’m not the one to blame. And most importantly “it’s going to be okay”. Again, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t spend the next ten minutes in utter silence thanking Emma for just being there for me even if she didn’t know it. Cheesy but true. 

The second time is slightly different and might I add dark? I was in a very bad place mentally and physically. I’d rather keep that private but just bare that in mind. I couldn’t sleep and just needed to get out of this slump for an exam I had the next day. I was alone, tired and sad, not a great combination. And I just sat there and then my phone buzzed letting me know I had a notification. It was from twitter. Emma had tweeted something that for the life of me I can’t remember now but I do remember it making me smile, laugh and again feel slightly better. After that I was able to sleep just from a simple tweet and I can’t tell you how much that means to me. For someone to have that sort of impact on your life is kinda incredible. 

Summer in the City and meeting Emma

So this summer I was lucky enough to attend summer in the City in the uk. And somehow found myself gaining a met and greet from Emma!! On the Saturday Emma performed as the headlining act for that evening. This is one of the many reasons I’m happy I went for the whole weekend. Emma’s stage presence is incredible. Throughout her performance I was laughing, smiling, dancing and screaming the lyrics at a level that was bound to damage my vocal chords. I was happy and I felt part of something for once. All the little stories she had about her songs and the tours she’d been on kept me glued to what she had to say. Not once did I think about opening up my phone and recording the performance as I just wanted to live in the moment. As well as the whole set up and just Emma being Emma her music is one I really enjoy and it sounds even better in concert!! 

So on Sunday I met Emma. After waiting in a two hour queue listening to her music it was my turn. In all honesty I was completely overwhelmed. I was standing about 3 meters (if that) from one of my idols/people I look up to (I hate the word idol). Anyways. I ran up to her and gave her a huge hug. (Her hugs are great for someone of her height (: aha joking). I gave her her letter and told her (vaguely) why she meant so much to me. I gained myself another hug and we grabbed a photo together before i gave her a ramble about how much the extracts from her new book (feelgood101 out now in Waterstones and any good book store) meant to me and how excited I was to read the whole thing and I remember her telling me to “keep writing” and Emma, I will I want to but I will I promise. 

Later on that evening me and my friends were screaming and smiling watching the summer in the City awards unfold. Then it came to the best song of the year award. We were all standing with anticipatio. I was secretly whispering “Emma Blackery, Emma Blackery” and at some point my chanting and the winner matched. I erupted into a mess of screaming, cheering, clapping and tears. I can promise you I wasn’t the only one crying. I was so proud of Emma as I knew she didn’t expect that. I don’t think any of us did. But she deserves it. Holy heck she does. Emma’s gone from something to everything and her music NEEDS to be appreciated. I’m so proud of Emma for that award so deserves it as I keep saying. It was crazy and knowing I’ve met her STILL blows my mind and I’m still overwhelmed. But I’m happy it happened and can’t wait to next time I’m able to see Emma again if that be in concert or at a meet and greet or just in the street. 

 

My friend took these photos of Emma’s performance for me

Reasons the world should and does love Emma 

There are a few things about Emma that I absolutely adore. I want to list a few but Emma overall is one of those people who never stop surprising you. Everyday is something new with Emma. One of the things I admire and wish I had was Emma’s honesty. She is so raw and brutal with what she says. There is no sugar coating it’s just plain fact or opinion. That honesty is something I wish I had and I’m working on. To go along with that honesty Emma is open. She’s factual about how she feels and if is feeling bad or down she may mention it but if she does is careful about how she does. She’s able to control what she knows is right and what isn’t. She puts what she’s learned into practice. She learns from her mistakes and makes sure she doesn’t repeat them. That is incredible I can only hope one day I can do that. She is also true to herself. She wants to write music, she writes it. She wants to put a video out she puts out what she wants to. She knows who she wants to be (or she appears to) that if anything is to admire about her. 

Speaking of music Emma has inspired me to write my own. I’ve never been a great music artist and I’ve found it hard to pinpoint one emotion and write about it but I’ve found motivation, inspiration and love for more music through Emma. Her music is so unique as I said and all the music she’s brought out I’ve fallen in love with over and over again. I don’t think I could ever pinpoint one one song I appreciate above the rest. They all tell their own story about Emma and with every song you learn a little more about Emma.. All of Emma’s music brings a smile to my fac,e and I couldn’t imagine not having them on my playlists. 

Her second channel (vloggery) is so calming and relaxing. It’s the part of Emma you never normally get to see from her on her main channel. Whoever I click on a new video of hers from that channel it provides me with more knowledge or inspiration on a new topic. It’s not full on or too intense it’s just her, just Emma no filter. It definitely feels like a one on one conversation on that channel. I could say the same for Emma’s live streams. Every Sunday (or just when she feels like it) Emma goes live and again it’s just her talking, nothing else, maybe talking about some new video or playing copyrighted music. They make me laugh, smile and feel warm inside. It instantly brightens my day and it agian feels like a one on one thing that is just between us. She’s also very honest In these live shows, if someone asks Hera pointless question she gives a valid response and I wish I had that in me to be able to do that. It is something I truly look up to her for. 


The advice Emma is able to give her audience on her personal experiences with life is something to admire. She is honest that school wasn’t the easiest, work isn’t all that it’s cut out to be and the people you fall in love with aren’t always who they say they are. Every single video or tweet or Instagram post she has made has some sort of experience of hers underneath its caption. People I know and have grown to love have also seen this. A lot of the advice Ive been able to give my friends is because of what Emma has said. Even if she doesn’t realise she has said it it’s proved a huge help in life to me. She knows what she is talking about and takes her own advice about having a break from the world and taking on your own passions. 


Another thing I love about Emma is her “fuck it” personality. If she thinks something isn’t right or she doesn’t want to do it, she won’t. That’s something I wish I had and I endlessly look up to. I’m working on trying to tell myself it’s okay to say no, it’s okay not to follow the crowd and I can imagine has taken Emma years to perfect but she’s done it. She’s also not scared to stand up for what she believes in. She has her own opinion on the world and it is her opinion. As well as that she only speaks her mind if she knows what is right, her opinions are complex and always have a reason behind them. It’s hard for people like me to speak our mind without being shot down and questioned for it. But I’m trying to learn that from her. 

Even if this is weird to like about Emma, her talking about North Korea I find incredibly interesting and I’ve only gained that passion for that from Emma, weird I know but I’ve discovered more and more about myself because of that. All the videos she’s made on NK have truly fascinated me. 


Emma’s book (feel good 101) 

I’ve sadly not got the full book just yet but i do have an extract that was given to me at sitc. I read it on the night before I met Emma and honestly, just from those few pages on a dead tree I felt something special. I felt happy, loved and like someone appreciated me. I fell in love with the extract and didn’t want to stop reading it. I knew I would love the entire book and Emma’s commitment to writing it is something truly incredible. Emma’s opinion changed on youtubers books and she ended up writing one, it just proves that any one can change if you give them the chance to. I can’t wait to read the whole thing but I know I’ll love it  

There is so much more I could tell you about this precious and inspirational human. I look up to her a lot, not just the good parts of Emma but the bad parts I know she’ll improve over time. Her music and writing is something that she should be proud of and her smile could brighten the world. Emma, if you’re reading this; this is only my story and how you’ve made my life a bit more bareabke but there are so many others that could say the same for your passions and beauty, millions even, and you should be proud of everything you’ve achieved so far and what you will go into in the following years. You’ve helped me become who I wanted to be and I couldn’t thank you more for that, thank you. Emma Louise Blackery x 

Pressure 


I want you to think for a second, to you what makes a friendship healthy and strong? Is it love? Passion? Memories? Loyalty? Well let me ask you this. Did the phrase “being there for me” or “someone who cares” pop into your head? My guess is it probably did, or it has. Today I want to talk about the pressure of being a good friend. In some friendships it might not be there at all which, is great! But it sometimes is. Now. Hold up, I’m not going to start rambling on about some girl called Katie who feels pressured into drinking. 1, this is not a learning for life lesson and 2, I don’t mean that sort of pressure. I’m talking about the pressure to be a good friend in a time of need. I’m talking about the unknown force that is telling you you aren’t helping said person when they most need you because your head is already so full you can’t hold anymore worry. 

I’m not going to lie I’m quite a custom to a friend feeling down. We live in a time where everything is whacked out and is way more stressful/hard to deal with than we as humans are able to deal with. I can add even myself to the list of people who find it hard to cope at times, along with my name is the rest of the universe. Even the happiest person ever has felt low, it’s fine, it’s normal. But again with the time we live in we have 24/7 access to our friends lives (no I’m not talking about sitting outside their house spying on them) I’m talking about social media. Everything we post, share, like, comment on can be seen by the world so it’s even easier to see your friends troubles. You’re not able to to just go home and forget you’re surrounded with this constant buzz. It’s worse, it’s worse it really is. I hope you’re still following but when I get an anxious friend sending me a dm or see a tweet from a sad friend I know it hurts because for me I’ve got so much going on already that trying to help them and telling the, you’re there for them is a lot harder than it looks. Once you tell them or send them that message that says “I’m here for you” you’re signing an invisible contract saying you are taking on their problems for yourself or at least it feels like it. 

I find myself so stuck in the fact that I must be there for my friends that I forget to think about how I really am. Not the “oh I’ve got maths homework due tomorrow” worry but the worry and the sadness I may still carry from other things. Recently something happened that really reminded me that mentally and emotionally I am not capable to look after every single one of my friends at one single time. It also taught me that I do have people there for me as well. I will be found. I need to talk to them when need as I am not taking what I’m giving. It’s like giving the shop your money and leaving your purchases on the till. I feel like I need to remember to take my stuff with me. I hope that made SOME logical sense. 

So we need to remember to be there for our friends of course, but most importantly we need to be there for ourselves and make sure we’re okay before anyone else. The pressure of being selfless is something that shouldn’t exist, but it does and we have to fight it. Be your own friend don’t rely on friends to make you happy, only you can truly do that and it takes time. Something I’ve learned is that I can take time for myself, it’s not selfish, it’s self care, there’s a difference. 

Fools forever 

So today I want to explain why my favourite song of all time IS my favourite song of all time. So to the unaware it is Fools by Lauren Aquilina. The reason for this? Because when I first heard this song I related to every lyric and in some ways i still do. I remember actually crying when I heard this sing because it actually meant so much to me. Also Lauren has a beautiful voice that everyone should appreciate. 

So what I’m wanting to do is explain what every line means to me just so you all know why I love it so much. 

Those hardest to love need it most: The reason I love this line is because no ones ever really loved me and I know I can be a hard person to deal with. I also like this because at the time of first hearing this song the person I was falling for lived across the world from me and obviously that’s hard. 

I watched our bodies turn to ghosts: I like this because I grew distant to that person and everyone else around me. All my friendships were dying and I was alone by that point. So I did literally see bodies turn to ghosts 

Such good friends it has to end it always does: this again shows how people were moving away from me and I recently had lost a really good friend from my life so this line really shows it even if that wasn’t the meaning she was going for. 

That’s the way life is, do we take the risk?: I think this shows to me how I became very aware of myself and every choice I was planning or making. Now also looking back on it I was very hesitant with people and it shows anxiety that can build up. I also became very scared to talk to the person I was falling for. 

And so it all boils down to this: whichever desicion I made and when I made it was going to a,ways come back to me and either make or break me. I was so scared to say anything in fear of making the wrong choice

We’ve got our aim but we might miss: How I could have easily said yes but because of all the complications I was unable to even consider it. I could have easily set myself aside and said yes but I knew it would ruin a lot. 
We’re to fragile to guess: when I was going through everything I was my body was pretty much at a breaking point and I knew one more mistake would completely break me

And I’ve been in this place before, fine as we are but we want more: in all honesty I’d never been in love before but we were perfectly okay as friends and we knew it’d ruin it if we went further yet we still both wanted it 

That’s human nature at its best: i mean it pretty much is isn’t it? Love? 

What if we ruin it all and we love like fools?: I kept asking myself this question every day and it got to a point where there were more options than could fit in my head 

And all we have we loose?: I genuinely knew if I was to take this in board I’d loose more than just a friendship that was becoming awfully difficult 

But I don’t want you to go?: i couldn’t sleep without this person saying goodnight to me or have spoken to me but I also knew how difficult it was 

But I want you so: I hated having this burden (that still is partly there) on me and at times wished I never knew said person even if I did love them 

So tell me what we choose: I hated making choices as I wanted them to be happy not me so I really wish they’d chosen 

Friends, I watched just as we changed: this isn’t just applying to the person (yes it did change and we changed) but my friendship groups changed massively at this point 

The feelings in my headspace rearrange: They’re always shifting, the thoughts in my mind. But st this point I didn’t know what to think about who 

I want you more than I’ve wanted anyone: true, I’d never been greatly in love so I did want them more than anyone 

Isn’t that dangerous?: it was really dangerous my mind was a huge mess and I was dipping 

The anticipation before the kiss: not true but it would have been holy heck (we never kissed) 

Mirrored in my shaking lips: more like shaking hands but lips tell stories so same thing

Oh god I feel so unprepared: I was. I went into this whole thing head first with no meaning or warning

The two of us so out of place: we were. I’d like to describe us as two lost souls who just drifted together and fell 

My feelings written on my face: they were and someone noticed. I’m not great at hiding emotion 

Got what I want but now I’m scared: SO scared. Beyond belief. 

After that the chorus repeats twice so that’s pretty much it. I love this song truly and Lauren did such a good job at writing it. ❤ 

What’s your favourite song with meaning and why? Do you want me to do this again with another song? Let me know below 

KK x 

Why I love Dear Evan Hansen

“Dear Evan Hansen today’s going to be a good day and here’s why, because today at least you’re you and that’s enough”


God! This musical is AMAZING! If you don’t know, which I kinda hope you do as it’s a pretty important thing. There is a musical called Dear Evan Hansen. I’ve mentioned it in a few blog posts but I’m dedicating this post to it. I’m going to tell you how I started listening to it, my favourite songs from it and what each of the songs mean to me. So here we go!!! 

So the first time I heard about Dear Evan Hansen was my friend Amber. She was constantly talking about it on her Snapchat and I was interested in it. I never properly listened to it though and it wasn’t until my friend Honor played waving through a window at my theatre school. I was honestly so struck by how good it was. Powerful, the voices were incredible and just the whole song was amazing. The reason I didn’t immediately jump to listen to it when I first heard it is I thought I wouldn’t like it and it wouldn’t suit me but oh wow it’s the complete opposite. So when I got home that evening I listened to the entire soundtrack and fell IN LOVE 


For the unaware this musical is about a boy called Evan and how he deals with his social anxiety and death of his classmate Connor Murphy. It’s a little more interesting than just that and has a pretty huge plot twist which in a way is actually really amazing. So there’s just a little insight to it but again, do research or you can ask me any questions you have about it in the comments below. 

Anybody have a map: This song is the very first thing you hear in the musical and it’s such a great opening. The only way i can describe it is it’s about Connor and Evans families and how they both find it hard to fit into society and school. Evans mum is single and finds it hard to cope with a socially anxious and sad kid while Connors mum finds it hard to reach her son because he seems so distant from her. The song is about how the parents find it hard to reach Connor and Evan but the deeper you look into the song the more interesting it becomes. 

Waving through a window: This is probably the one you are most likely to have heard of as it’s the one most people are talking about. It’s a huge number though and so bone chilling. It’s about how anxious and how alone Evan feels with his anxiety and just wishes he had a friend. I feel like mo matter who you are you’ll find purpose to this song. I recently also saw a little snip from the actual show and oh wow does it look incredible. 

For Forever: this song doesn’t make that much sense unless you know the entire plot but at this point in the song Evan is around Connors families house after Connors death and his parents were lead to believe Evan and their son were great friends and they wanted to hear what he was like so they could have this happy memory to hang onto. So Evan goes on to tell this elaborate story of his friendship with Connor. It’s really moving and you really cling onto what Connorss family are trying to which is beautiful. 

Sincerely me: out of the whole musical this is the funny number. (Which funny enough I know how to play on ukulele) this is about how Jarad and Evan are trying to go along with the story that him and Connor were friends and they write these fake emails between Connor and Evan butt it’s a really funny song with a lot of chemistry but defiantly one you want to dance to. 

Requiem: This song has actually quite a sad meaning behind it. Connor wasn’t always the bestest of sons or friends and the people closest to him find it hard to forgive him for what he did to them and they find it hard to feel sad that he’s gone. I feel like I relate to this song in a really weird way but very personal. But again I feel like whoever you are you’ll find something in that song you like. It also has very lovely people signing and acting in this, 

If I could tell her: this is the first song in my opinion I hat hurts when you know the true meaning of the musical. It is a duet between Zoe (connors sister and Evans crush) and Evan. Evan starts telling Zoe all these amazing things Connor said about her. It’s actually a really beautiful and loving song and shows how someone can mean something to you. I know this is a lot of my friends favourite sings. 

Disappear: This song gets to me man. It’s got so much meaning and love. It’s about how no one should disappear and be forgotten. Everyone is important and deserves a life to live. It’s also the start of the “Connor project” which blows up in the next song. I’m pretty sure the entire cast are also in this and oh my the vocals are incredible and I bet it looks amazing on a stage. 

You will be found: This is MY favourite song for a few reasons but wow, when I first heard it I’m pretty sure I was crying after. It’s one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard. It’s about how even when you feel alone you will be found, someone will find you and you will be okay again and if you’re not you will be. This again has most of the cast in it so again it’s an incredible song. I can’t get enough of it honestly. Also the music and orchestra is unreal in this song. 

To break in a glove: To a lot of DEH fans this sing it kinda weird (including my friend) I actually like it. It’s how Evan felt and how he saw Connors family as a better family than his own. It’s also got some great music and singers It’s about how you should always do what you love and work your absolute hardest in life which is pretty cool.

Only us: so this is the love song between Zoe and Evan. It’s honestly one of the cutest songs ever and I love it with all of my heart. It’s about them both wanting to be together essentially. And how “the world falls away” but it’s one of the sweetest song and I’d do anything to hear it live. Their voices fit so well together and I’m so overwhelmed with how beautiful they both are, this again is one of my favourites. 

Good for you: This is a pretty damn good song. This song comes when Alana and Jarad get sick of Evan leaving them out, leaving them behind and how now he’s got what he wanted what do they do and as you can guess they’re really angry about this and it’s the way how their voices sound so good and you can hear the passion behind it with every word. This song by far is the one I want to get up to and sing to the most. The way it was written is beautiful and then you hav Evans interjection of him not knowning what to say and ah! It sends shivers down your back. Man it’s amazing and again I saw a small clip from it the other day and damn it’s amazing. 

Words fail: This song is again one of my favourites. It’s so beautiful and powerful and Bens voice is so so so powerful and passionate. The song is right after he’s told the Murphy family about his fabricated friendship with Connor and how he doesn’t know how to fix what he’s done and he wishes he could change it. His emotion is in another world as well and it’s one of those songs that you just wish you could sing that well. But this song brings so much meaning to the musical and you start to feel sorry for Evan. 

So big/So small: This song is basically Evans mums reaction to Evans lie. (I think) it’s again a really moving somg. She explains how she felt useless and didn’t know how to go on when Evans dad left and how she will always be there for her son no matter how big or small the world felt. Or she would be there until everything felt okay. But in my mind she’s also retrying to get over how he lied even to her, it’s such a moving song and it has a lot of meaning that overwhelms me. Rachel is such an amazing singer holy heck. 

Finale: this is the end. Even though it’s short it’s very moving and Evan realises he can be who’s he’s thought of being and being who he is is okay. This sends shivers down my back. It really does round up the musical and wants me want to go and see it even more. 

This musical is one of the best things you’ll ever hear and you should go listen to it if you havent already. You will love it. I will leave Evan Edingers video and the video on how to play sincerly me on the ukulele if that interests you and a few Instagram accounts I’ve found that are pretty good for any DEH fans out there. Let me know what you think of it if you’ve heard the musical and your favourite song. Or if you don’t like it why? Ttyl xx 

Evan Edingers video: https://youtu.be/BJHjRuHsKk8

How to play Sincerely me on the ukulele: https://youtu.be/lYovVhSzbaM

Instagram accounts you should give a follow: 

  • @good.for.hansen
  • @dear_connor
  • @dear.evan.hansen
  • @dear.evan.fansen
  • @falling.in.a.fxrest
  • @mikefaists

Also here are some photos from my great friend @good.for.hansen when they went to see DEH!! Please don’t use these photos without credit but enjoy some top quality photos from the likes of Colton Ryan and Laura Dreyfuss 

New school year resolutions 

Hello my pals (sorry it just came out) the day I’m putting this post up is the day before I go back to school. Scary I know. I’m going to start my GCSEs and I’m actually really excited. I know I will regret saying that in just under a week but for now let me live okay? But anyways with a ‘new’ school and teachers I feel like it’s time to “change”. Yes you can change any day you want to but the first day of the school year is a good place I feel like. So today I want to share with you what I’m planning to “change” about myself to make me love myself just a little more 

Close up a little: To me and maybe the rest of the world I’m quite…. lets say……..an open person. I share (what I feeel like) a little too much online and in real life. People tend to use that against me and in my opinion it also makes me look a little attention seeking. As weird as it is it also causes me a little worry at the aspect of someone knowing a little more than i wanted them to. I’ve learnt my lesson. Don’t up to people unless you fully 100% trust them. 

Do the homework as soon as you get it: If you’ve been reading this blog for a while you might know I tend to procrastinate a lot. I mean a lot. And I also seem to get a lot of stress over homework. So to decrease that I really want to try and get homework out the way asap so then I have more time to focus on my mental health and not just lay it all down to stress. On my walk back from school there’s a library I’m thinking of going into after school to 1) relax after spending 7 hours with people (99% of whom I don’t get along with) and just having some me time 2) to get homework done from that day done. Obviously there will be certain pieces that need more than a twenty minute scribble but for the majority I’ll hopefully be able to get it done without any distractions so when I do get home I can just relax, chill and not think about school until tomorrow 

To just “shrug” people off: I’m not naming anyone but I left the last school year not in the best state. There were and still are friendships that aren’t clear as water in my opinion. When I told Emma (Yes Emma Blackery) how I felt she said I need to be stubborn with people (at least I think that’s what she said) and she’s also mentioned just shrugging people off before. Not letting mean/unpleasant things get to you. And I know I can be a b*tch at times but I really just want to try and NOT let it get to me so I can focus on those who do love me and like me for me 

To ask more questions and become interested in more things: this fits into the same category to be honest. I want to become more “complex” I want to become more interested in different things. Listen to more musicals and artists, read more books from different authors, watch more youtubers etc etc. Yes I want to practice what I’m already good at but I want to add to that list with new things. Broaden my range so I seem more “interesting” and I also get more inspiration for the books I write and songs I produce. If I’m able to do that I can hopefully become a better musician and writer. But again in class I’d like to ask more whys and how’s. I’m taking history and I’m so excited to start it as I’m a real history nerd (there’s nothing wrong with it btw) and it fascinates me endlessly and if I ask more I know more right? 

Go speak up or write down if I don’t feel great: I’d like to start a dairy again. I’ve tried to keep one this summer (yes I’ve missed like nearly a week now but shhhhhh no one will know) but I would like to try and keep one so I don’t feel like I’m going to explode 24/7! At the time of writing this I’m happy, I’m content and relaxed. It’s good but I don’t think that will last once I go back and I want to save myself this year so either speaking to a wise friend or teacher or just writing how I feel down would benefit me more than it being stuck in my head I think. 

So that’s just a few! There probably are more but these are the main ones. Do you have any new school year resolutions? Do you think you’ll keep them? And if not why? Let me know in the comments!! Ttyl x

KK 

Humans are complex 

When you are a child you haven’t got to worry about much except what you’re wearing to that fancy dress party or what toy to take in the car with you. Life seems, simple in a way. Not much to it. As you slowly get older new problems are added to the mix and more responsibly. But this is what makes us complex. 

Have you ever heard people say “it’s complicated” my guess is you probably have. It’s quite a good yet annoying saying. On one side it’s annoying as hell when you want to know something but on the other it just explains the whole situation in only a few words. Sometimes in life things are way to hard to even talk about and the only way to tell someone about it is to say “it’s complicated”. 

As we get older things block our way and I’ve recently realised this. Things never have the “wrong” or “right” way anymore there’s the “possibly might be right but would hurt others” and the “sure it’s easy but it won’t get you anywheee” and many more. It’s hard to tell which way is better. Especially on there own. 

I think another aspect is that more problems happen at once. You never really have time without anything I’m your head just everything happening at once. I feel sometimes like my brain might actually explode from the amount of thoughts passing through. And I’m scared that  that brain might explode at any moment and I won’t be prepared. If you know what I mean please tell me. Do you feel a similar way? Do you think humans are all complex or are there a few who have it easy? Let me know in the comments 

I also thought I’d add some photos that I’ve acquired. Hope you like them.